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sometimes,
all you need to do is try.


went for "tom waits for nobody" yesterday, an experimental music performance, which can also be considered sound art.

i really liked it, it was really intriguing, though i must say its a highly subjective performance.
maybe its because its a fusion of art and music, the two loves of my life =)

there were three instruments present, two electric guitars and a piano.
the artists were pushing the limits of their instruments, outrageous limits that i would never have dared lay a finger on.
they didnt just strum or pluck their guitars, they did ridiculous things to them.
one part that i really liked was how zai kuning use the tip of a violin bow to hit the side of his guitar, the sound produced and the echo that followed was pretty interesting.
other nonsensical objects include a screwdriver, forced between the guitar strings and a spoon, adjusted on the different frets of the fingerboard to produce different sounds.

when zai kuning plucked out all the hairs of his bow i was like omg how could he do that?!
to me my instrument is almost sacred. i would never do that to my bow, or slam things onto my guitar, not even in the name of art.
i feel that a part of my soul is encapsulated in my instrument, and to be able to play well would be to make my instrument part of me, something similar to an extension of my arm.
its quite hard to explain. like an invisible connection.

what i really liked was how the whole performance was defying the norms of music, but adhering to it at the same time.
there was the usual beat, or rhythm, mostly in triplets, sometimes quadruplets, and the piece was your usual three movement piece, slow-fast-slow. it did have a climax, and considering that the whole thing was impromptu its seriously amazing, how they manipulate their instruments such that it draws the audience in and releases us as and when they want to.

the sound changes from dark melodies, to something so minimal you almost wonder what happened, to noise that hurts your ears, playing on the different frequencies of sound, almost edging you to leave your seat and walk out, and
the use of the grand piano topped it all with cherries on top =)
an atonal scale was used, and the piano added a balance to the whole performance, both visually and auditory. it was the force that said, "heyy this is music afterall" and it being physically there kinda deemed it a "musical performance".

Zai Kuning played forgotten music, the weird sounds that the amplifiers make when the mikes get too close to them, sounds that are completely disregarded in day to day life termed as "noise", sounds that are "discriminated" against, he brought them to his audience's attention, and he let them decide if it was music or otherwise.

a marvellous performance.

it actually made me think quite a bit. Zai Kuning is one of those hardcore artists in Singapore, a rare breed, those who do art for the sake of art.
i want a big house.
with a pool table.
squeeze in an ice skating rink.
a glass piano with spotlights shining on it.
a horse.
a field.
an indoor court to play floorball in.
thats why i can never be true to my arts, be it art or music.
thats why i can never be a concert pianist, or a full fledge artist.
not in Singapore anyway.


my head is spinning terribly right now.

today is such a terrible day.
actually it started from math onwards.
i have a very sensitive nose according to the doctor and the room was smelling like people had been pouring glue on the walls.
i nearly puked. not kidding.
if it was any other teacher other than mr teo i would have walked out.

then there was pw. my emotions just started going downhill from there. it was supposed to start at 6. we waited for like 3 hours. ended up starting at 7. by then i was in quite a panicky and frustrated mood. it wasnt ms chen's fault shes a really dedicated teacher with a million consultations and i really do like her a lot but i was going to visit a sound art performance at 8!! so i left early. at 715.

and then i took 961. bx told me could go marina square. i asked the bus driver if the bus could go to raffles place. HE ACTUALLY SAID YES. so i got on. maybe he didnt hear me clearly. but halfway through the journey i felt kinda unfamiliar with my surroundings so i asked john who happened to be on the bus if the bus goes to raffles place. and he said no. so i got off at bukit merah. like omg. i had 20 minutes to get to the arts house!! so i changed bus to get to dhoby ghaut. and then orchard road had to jam. goodbye performance. then i received a call from chris. 961 does in fact go to arts house afterall. imagine how i felt at that moment. luckily theres still another one tomorrow and i have beloved val to go with me.

by then i was in a really bad mood. i went to dhoby ghaut and i messaged you. wth you took two hours to reply. you dont know how long i spent walking around that place by myself. and i had 8 bucks in my wallet for goodnesss sake. so i was really pissed. i bought a mocha. and it tasted so bad. i felt like screaming.

so i decided to go home. needed to top up my card with 5 bucks. and then i realised the stupid machine didnt accept coins. so i spent like another 5 minutes cursing the machine. walked up the steps to get to the control station. and GUESS WHAT i realised i didnt need to walk up the steps at all the damned walkway was connected. and then GUESS WHAT the control station guy wasnt there!!!! omg. i was having a bad enough day. so i stood there and sulked and waited for him.

by then i was in such a terrible mood. i needed to be alone and there were just too many people around me so i walked to the end of the train. AND THEN GUESS WHAT this group of lower secondary school kids had to stand beside me!!! and GUESS WHAT THEY WERE DOING THEY WERE COMPARING HOW BIG THEIR MIDDLE FINGERS WERE. the guys AND the girls!! i just kept rolling my eyes. so much for needing time alone.

i needed to talk to someone. i called shufang. and then GUESS WHAT my phone disconnected. i got onto the train.

and guess what. i cried.
it wasnt just about my screwed up day. it was about everything.
i havent cried in a long, long while.
i guess i have been an inch away from my breaking point all this while.
its very tiring to keep smiling in school and being positive all the time sometimes.
i really need the next two months.


i discovered something horrifying today.
for three months i have been using my phone.
and for three months people who call me have been hearing this weird james bond theme song.
and I DIDNT KNOW!!!!

how can anyone not tell me about my horrible waiting tone?!!!
hahahaha.
omg.
i wanna cancel it now and i dont know how!!


i lost my pencil case!!!!!!!!!
i cant find it.
really really really.

got back results today.
i wasnt nervous the night before.
neither was i nervous or the least bit excited today.
i felt nothing.
not like everyone else who were so jittery and scared about their results.
am i supposed to be feeling anything?
i dont really feel anything.
the initial thrill of getting back my grades left many hours ago.
theres this lingering emptiness inside.
something that i cant quite explain.
not that i didnt get good results.
my grades are pretty decent i think.
not fantastic, but decent.
but theres no feeling of elation or anything when i score well.
its like this routine.
i needa do well because i needa do well.
and thats why.
why?

nono dont mistake me im not trying to be philosophical or anything.
its just me.


the past few days have passed in a whirl.

after promos, and i stopped knowing the days of the week anymore. wr, aep, op, floorball, late nights, no wonder i fell sick. yesterday was the worse. i slept through most of my pw meeting.

dry run today was as usual our total crap standard. i dont understand why you wouldnt just put in a tiny bit more effort into this whole project. you hate it. so do we. why cant you just do it for your friends?

i bet if the examiner asked you, " what have you done for this whole project?"
you wouldn't be able to answer.
that would be your hardest question.
unless you take credit for what we have done.

three years you know. three years as our classmate and you havent done a single project, out of possibly fifty presentations in our ip 1 and 2 years. and this is our final chance. our last shot. ips are supposedly good at presentations, at talking convincing rubbish such that others believe us. its A levels afterall, you know.

it means completely nothing to you, since you are rich and have some big official as your father. but we dont. and we need this stupid grade to get into local universities.
why cant you do it for the sake of your friends?

the school's year end party today was really well planned and well thought out, but it was somewhere near bad. the turn out rate was ridiculously low. and the concert was just oh mann. the performances were pretty good, the mcing was really good as well, but the party was just... dead. maybe its just our school. sadly muggerish.

three years in njc. going on four.
two years in st nicks.
i love st nicks. always will.
i guess i can never truly say that about nj.

on a lighter note, i met munyee!! havent seen her in such a long time.
and floorball set up nachos, fries and henna booth. henna was pretty fun =) drew on loads of people =)


the next few days are gonna be pw days.
crazy days.


today marks the end of promos.
it was okay i guess, other than the fact that im pretty sure i failed math.

went out for lunch with aep peeps =))

and went to meet kimberley and bingxin after that at amk hub to eat nice hokkien mee (nicer than the school's according to bingxin) and yes it was good.

we just sat there for three hours and talked. not gossip, mind you, but talked. we talked about our lives, our friends, sports, music, art, literally everything under the sun.

i havent had the luxury of time to sit down and chat for such a long, long time.

it was the best way i could hope for to celebrate the end of promos. not shopping, not watching movies, but just hanging out with friends.

an afternoon lounging in an air-conditioned kopitiam, (bingxins idea yet again, claiming that people will chase us out of higher end cafes), chatting with a few close friends, making the chicken rice auntie wonder why we were sitting there for so long.

it was a good afternoon, one of the best i had in a long, long while.

being able to hold an ongoing conversation for three long hours,
with calm, natural silences in between,
with no one having the urge to fill the silence,
each lost in her own thoughts,
leaving reluctantly only when the dinner crowd started coming in,
these are friends that will last a lifetime.